Hey, sorry I've haven't been around. But here I am again.
Maybe it's because it's November and I have gratitude on my mind.
Maybe it's because I have been discovering that I have a lot of things I need to let go of.
Maybe it's because someone very influential to me said, "You have a lot of people looking at you and you have the power to influence many."
Maybe it's just that time of the month.......
What ever the reason, here I am pouring out my heart and soul in a very public format, in hopes that I can convey an important message that will touch and inspire you........ Maybe I just need to hear these things myself and you all just happen to have access to my public diary. Either way, I've has some things on my mind and I hope you can bear with me.
I have had so many people tell me that I am an inspiration to them.
This makes me laugh.
I wonder why anyone would look up to me. While I acknowledge that I have worked hard to lose a bit of weight, currently, I am still considered to be obese. I still have a long way to go to get to where I want to be. Certainly, that is nothing to be impressed with or inspired by.
It has been my belief that there is a "number" I have to get to before I will be happy.
It has been my belief that I have to be a certain size, before I will be happy.
It has been my belief that every flaw I see in the mirror has to disappear before I will love my body.
I stand at the back of fitness classes and compare my worst self to the perfect features of everyone else in the room.
Logically, I know these statements are ridiculous. Emotionally, I hold on to them for dear life, afraid that if I let go, I become vulnerable. So what is one to do?
I've been pondering this for a while. I want to be happy, and I want to be accepting of my body, but where do you begin?
For me, I have decided that in honor of November, the month of gratitude, each day I will tell myself something I am grateful for about my body.
Some of my thought include:
Although I have unsightly stretch marks on my tummy, and an issue of sagging skin, I am grateful that I was able to have 4 healthy full term babies. When I see the stretch marks, I am not going to be angry or hate them, I am going to thank my body for allowing the miracle of life to grow within me 4 times.
I am going to focus on my new merging muscles as opposed to the fat hiding them. Recently, I was laying in bed and I could feel hip bones and what's this? Obliques. I have also discovered that I have much more muscle mass than I ever have. It is unfortunate that you all can't enjoy it yet, due to fat hiding it, but it gives me a direct goal to get rid of that, and for that reason, I continue to be a work in progress. I am grateful for my strength.
So what do you think? Can you change your perspective? Can you give yourself permission to compliment you? I challenge each one of you to let go of the flaws and nit picky-ness and embrace your strength. And feel free to comment here and share with everyone what you are grateful for. What do you think?
Lori...I know just how you feel. I have had people tell me how inspiring it was to see me loose so much weight but then I wonder so what does that make me when I gain some of it back?
ReplyDeleteI love your suggestion of thinking each day of your "body part" that you are thankful for...maybe I will try doing something similar just not so public! LOL
Just to start...I am grateful for my vision how ever imperfect it is! Worn glasses or contacts since I was about 11 years old and which makes it 46 years yet I still can see and I kind of think they are my prettiest feature!
Love ya sister
Cathie! You are amazing and I love you for so many reasons. Thanks for sharing what you are grateful for.
DeleteFirstly: You ARE an inspiration, because you believe in your power to change your own life, and you work to do something about it. You keep trying and and going and doing it, and that is inspirational!
ReplyDeleteSecondly: Two years ago I was where you are now. At my lowest adult weight, feeling pretty dang proud of myself, but not really "happy" yet because I wasn't "there." Then my sister went into a treatment center for an eating disorder she'd been secretly struggling with for 10 years. As I got educated about what she was dealing with, I realized that I was in a similarly unhealthy place emotionally. I was tying every ounce of my self worth into whatever the scale said that morning. I was focusing so much of my time and mental and emotional energy into losing weight, doing battle with myself constantly. I love to exercise and eat healthy, but my weigh loss battle required constant vigilance.
But this couldn't go on forever. Even though my physical body was getting healthier and stronger, I was getting weaker emotionally, the more everything started to depend on maintaining and continuing my weight loss.
I didn't want to end up where she was. I didn't want my kids to grow up with the same messed up relationship to food and their bodies that I did. And so I decided to work on my emotional health. I stopped weighing myself. I kept eating pretty healthy and exercising, but I stopped counting calories and obsessing about the numbers. And guess what -- I gained weight. I couldn't fit into my "skinny" clothes anymore. I felt awful. But I had committed, so I kept working on it. And praying about it. And working and praying and working on it.
Two years later, I can FINALLY, honestly say that I love myself. The whole me: mind, spirit, body. I can honestly say: "I am going to live a healthy life, with good food that I love and lots of exercise, and I am going to let me body do what it does without obsessing."
I don't know quite why I'm telling you ALL of this. I guess I worry that you have come so far and done so much, and that you still feel so negatively about yourself. I know how that feels, because I've been there. You should be proud of all that you've accomplished, because you've worked hard to transform yourself physically. But don't forget that YOU are more than your physical body. You also have a kind, accepting nature, a hysterical sense of humor, and incredible creative talents. You are an kick-butt mom. Don't let all of that (and all your other great attributes) get buried in your own mind because you're not entirely happy with your physical attributes. You are enough.
And I love you.