What do the numbers say to you?

I've been thinking
and crying
and obsessing......

It's what I do.............

I never wanted this blog to be negative.  I want it to always inspire and uplift others.  I want you all to find the joy and happiness in this life.  I want to believe that we are all sitting around petting bunnies in a field of wild flowers, with a gentle breeze singing Coom-ba-ya.......  and then it hit me, that's not the real world, at least not the world I live in.

I haven't been feeling the joy and happiness.  So I didn't blog.  I didn't want to come across as negative ( I still don't) but a friend helped me to see that what you all want from me is the gut renching truth about how hard and emotional weight loss can be.  I've struggled this month.  So this post today is an honest heartfelt emotional vomit.  Hang on, I'm just going to be honest.

This month started out GREAT, but let me go back just a bit!  I started working with a personal trainer in May, (let's call him Gunther).  During the two weeks we worked together in May, I lost 10 lbs plus 4 inches from  my torso.  I was ecstatic!  I felt that I had finally found the way to make this weight fly off of my body.  Gunther was so proud of me and I was proud of myself.  He has never trained anyone who has last that many inches and pounds in that short of time.  He boldly announced to me that our goal for June was for me to lose 30 lbs, because if I could do 10 in 2 weeks, if we pushed hard, 30lbs ,  or at least 25lbs was completely possible.  GULP!!!  That's a lot, but I was determined to do it!  I wanted desperately to make him proud.  He is one of the only people who truly sees how hard I am working at this, and to disappoint him, simply wasn't an option.

I worked harder this month that I ever have.  I have had many days that I have been so sore.  I would put in at least 2 hours a day at the gym.  I did classes 5 days a week, several times 2 classes in a day  depending on what was available then an hour of cardio (treadmill running or walking, elliptical, or bike).  2 - 3 hours at the gym 5 days a week.  I kept telling myself that I was going to get to the end of the month and know that I couldn't have done more.  I was DETERMINED!!!!

So I was working hard.
I felt strong.
I felt good......

..until I realized that the numbers on the scale weren't coming down like I would have liked.

I worked harder.

People kept telling me I looked great (including complete strangers that had "seen me around").  I always do my best to smile and say thanks, but in my head I could not wrap my head around why anyone would even begin to think I looked ok, let a lone great?  I hated the way my body looked and I hated the numbers that would mock me from my scale.   I was a mess.  I had people who look to me to inspire them, yet when I was working my hardest, I was failing.  How could I share my failure with the entire world?

Then it happened.......  The dance of the Baked Potato. 

My own silly, tip-toe ballerina-esque, twirly, goofy interpretive dance about a baked potato made to make the young Women from church laugh.  It never disappoints.  This was no exception, and so I ended with a flourish and the splits!!!!

AND I TORE MY HAMSTRING!!!!

I have not had pain like that since um....childbirth.  It was excruciating!  I didn't want the girls or leaders to know, so I sucked it up and walked home like normal, willing it to not be that bad and be better by morning.
It didn't happen.
For the last two weeks of my 30lbs weight loss month, I had to modify my workouts and rest my hamstring.  
I couldn't do most of my beloved classes, or only do them half-assed.  I hated it.  I knew that as soon as I stopped moving the pounds would come right back.  I found myself on the bike, the only cardio I could do that didn't hurt my hamstring.

The numbers mocked me even more.  They didn't budge.....  Oh wait, they did, what little I had lost went away and the numbers went up. I was mortified.

Today was weigh and measure day.  Going in, I knew without a doubt that I worked as hard as I possibly could.  I could not have given more, and what ever the results were, they were a direct result of my hard work.

Gunther weighed me first.....but I already knew what the result was going to be.  I had a heavy heart.
200lbs.  I had lost NOTHING.  ZERO. 

I was seriously disappointed in myself.  I was ashamed.  I second guessed and thought maybe there was more I could have done.....

He made me hold this star-trek like tool that checks body fat.  I asked Scotty to please have beamed up some fat..........

I lost 2% body fat, this month.  I guess that's not bad.  It is after all the fat I want gone.

Gunther measured me.  Holding my breath and making him do it twice to be sure.....  I lost 1/2 inch from my arms, 1 inch from my legs, 1 1/2 inches from my torso, and this can't be right..... 4 inches from my hips.   7 inches total.  He was shocked!  He has never seen anyone lose that many inches from the hips in a month.  He reminded me that I have gained a lot of muscle.  I had been using heavier weights and they are dense.  He giggled like a school boy and announces that this next month is going to be so fun.......  CRAP!

Why were the numbers so important?  As long as I am getting stronger and smaller, shouldn't it be fine.  Why do I care so much what the weight number is?  Stupid answer.....it's what they put on your drivers license.  It's the number we as a society have come to accept as what is good and what is bad.
I recently read in Bob Harpers new book, that one of the hardest things for people losing weight to understand is that there is no finish line.  That hit me hard.  I thought long and hard about what it is going to take for me to be happy.  What do I have to do to feel successful?  I want to be happy and I want to love my body.  It just isn't happening today, but I am much clearer about what I have to do to get there.  It has to start today with letting go of the number, embracing the many people who love and support me, and maybe another race sign up, just to make sure that I have a reason to keep going.

I want to express my heartfelt gratitude to all of you who have stood beside me during this journey.  It's been a bumpy ride, but then again.... those are the best!
Lori