The day the UPS Maam cried....

My journey continues, but it seems at a snails pace.  My weight hasn't changed much, with the exception of the same 4-5 lbs lost only to be regained.  I was still at the gym every week day and working with my trainer one to two times a week.  I have been watching my food intake and still, I sit at this plateau.  One thing I noticed was that I was getting stronger, even if the pounds didn't melt away, and even if my my body wasn't getting noticeable smaller, I could feel myself getting stronger.  I decided halfheartedly to forge on.  Hoping that in time, the fat would just fall off. 

At home, issues that I had been avoiding to deal with were no longer able to be brushed aside.  Mainly, financial.  We live paycheck to paycheck, and disconnect notice to disconnect notice.  I hated driving up to the house to find a hanger on the door telling me I had 48 hours to scrap enough money together to pay or have it shut off.  Days when we had very little food in the house for dinner, days when we couldn't put gas in the car.  As hard as we try, we just couldn't get a head.  Frustration, depression, despair.......I knew I had to get a job but as much as I wanted help out I was SO afraid that if I quit my daily exercise to work, I would gain all the weight back.  I began to look for jobs and mainly jobs that would keep me moving all day.  Luckily and long story short I found an ad for UPS seasonal "Helpers".  Seriously, I was so excited, this was PERFECT to earn money and exercise.  I applied and was hired.  One of the things they asked in the interview was can you lift 70lbs.  My reply was, sure.  I've lost 85+ pounds, I'm sure I can lift 70. I was totally lying.  I didn't know if I could lift that much, but desperate to work.  I started the next week. 

How many of you have lifted 70 lbs, and carried it?  It's a lot. 

Then the day came. 

My driver hands me the box out of the big brown UPS truck.  He says it's 67lbs, do you need help.  I quickly said no, not wanting to be thought of as the weak girl he was stuck with.  I lifted the 67 lb box that I could hardly get my arms around, and it was heavy but not bad.  I walked the 20 or so feet to the stairs then slowly carried that heavy and symbolic box up 10 stairs.........and I did it alone, with only my strength.  As I set it down beside the door and knocked for the owners to come get it, I had a tear slide down my cheek.  I quickly wiped it a way.  Strong UPS maams don't cry!  So many thoughts and feelings.  I AM strong!  How could I have lived for so long with that much weight and more on my body?   How good did it feel to put it down and know that I didn't have to carry that with me any longer?  How far have I come.....so far!  When I got back in the truck, the driver tells me that he has seen grown men not be able to lift and carry that much.  I was pretty proud, and at that moment, all the hard work made sense.  No my physical body doesn't look the way I want it to, not yet.  But I am well on my way. 
I am strong. 
I can do hard things. 
I can help provide for my family.
God is by my side. 
We will be ok.

If you find that right now you are not where you want to be, keep going.  The day will come that you can look back and see how far you have come.  For a moment, it was not about how far I had left to go.  Keep going, a little every day.  I know you can!

Confession, grattitude, what ever.....

Hey, sorry I've haven't been around.  But here I am again.
Maybe it's because it's November and I have gratitude on my mind.
Maybe it's because I have been discovering that I have a lot of things I need to let go of.
Maybe it's because someone very influential to me said, "You have a lot of people looking at you and you have the power to influence many."
Maybe it's just that time of the month.......

What ever the reason, here I am pouring out my heart and soul in a very public format, in hopes that I can convey an important message that will touch and inspire you........  Maybe I just need to hear these things myself and you all just happen to have access to my public diary.  Either way, I've has some things on my mind and I hope you can bear with me.

I have had so many people tell me that I am an inspiration to them. 

This makes me laugh. 

I wonder why anyone would look up to me.  While I acknowledge that I have worked hard to lose a bit of weight, currently,  I am still considered to be obese.  I still have a long way to go to get to where I want to be.  Certainly, that is nothing to be impressed with or inspired by.

It has been my belief that there is a "number" I have to get to before I will be happy. 

It has been my belief that I have to be a certain size, before I will be happy.

It has been my belief that every flaw I see in the mirror has to disappear before I will love my body.

I stand at the back of fitness classes and compare my worst self to the perfect features of everyone else in the room.

Logically, I know these statements are ridiculous.  Emotionally, I hold on to them for dear life, afraid that if I let go, I become vulnerable.  So what is one to do?

I've been pondering this for a while.  I want to be happy, and I want to be accepting of my body, but where do you begin?

For me, I have decided that in honor of November, the month of gratitude, each day I will tell myself something I am grateful for about my body.  

Some of my thought include:
Although I have unsightly stretch marks on my tummy, and an issue of sagging skin, I am grateful that I was able to have 4 healthy full term babies.  When I see the stretch marks, I am not going to be angry or hate them, I am going to thank my body for allowing the miracle of life to grow within me 4 times. 

I am going to focus on my new merging muscles as opposed to the fat hiding them.  Recently, I was laying in bed and I could feel hip bones and what's this?  Obliques.  I have also discovered that I have much more muscle mass than I ever have.  It is unfortunate that you all can't enjoy it yet, due to fat hiding it, but it gives me a direct goal to get rid of that, and for that reason, I continue to be a work in progress.  I am grateful for my strength. 

So what do you think?  Can you change your perspective?  Can you give yourself permission to compliment you?  I challenge each one of you to let go of the flaws and nit picky-ness and embrace your strength.  And feel free to comment here and share with everyone what you are grateful for.  What do you think?

Find the Joy - part one

I'm a dirty girl. 
A second time dirty dasher- kinda dirty girl!
A HOG WILD  kinda dirty girl. 

Tiffany Christensen, Carolina Ferrin, Renae Powell, Heather Call, Lori McClellan, Mandi Holja  aka HOG WILD!

This year I headed up an amazing team at the Dirty Dash, team HOG WILD (Hot Outstanding Girls, With Intent of Leaving Dirty) and June 2, 2012 did not disappoint,.....well, unfortunately there was some disappointments, but there was also a lot of joy.

So we began the race, in our pristine white shirts.  Some of us experienced runners, some of us fake runners (me, I just think I'm an athlete), and some just beginners.  It was a fantastic group of women from all different walks of life, joined together by the desire to get dirty and determined to have a good time doing it. 

And so we began, a little later than planed, but with a big splash in the mud we were off on our dirty adventure.  Up the hill squealing and splatting each other with each filthy foot step we took.  Laughing and loving every minute.  Friendships began to form.  You see, all of the ladies on the team knew me, but most of them had met each other for the first time minutes before we started the race together.  We dashed up the hill, ready for the first obstacle only to be met by a long line.  The disappointment set in.  You don't wait in lines in a race!  As the back up cleared and it was finally our turn to slide down the muck and slosh through the sludge, I pulled my already tender, not-quite-healed hamstring.....again.  I briefly had thoughts that I should quit, but quickly brushed them aside and decided to keep going, a little more cautiously.  As we progressed through the race, we laughed, stayed together (even though some could have been done in a fraction of the time), helped our team mates out, raided the water and cookie truck, made sure that we were all thoroughly covered in mud, got to know one another, had a great time. 

I was unhappy about some of the lines we waited in and the slow pace (of the non-race) at this point.  I was disappointed that I had to skip some of the obstacles due to my injury.  I was disappointed that we had taken so much time waiting in lines, that to get back in time we only did the 3.5 miles and not the 5.5.  This could have been a disappointing day.......but it wasn't.

After I finished with my amazing HOG WILD girls, I quickly went to get my kids and Jay (Shane's uncle) to come with me for a quick piglet plunge jaunt in the mud.  After sitting and watching people jump and romp in the mud for nearly 2 hours, they were chomping at the bit to get dirty.

Jay was a little apprehensive though.  He loves to run, but was worried about falling down in the big mud pit.  I found a smaller mud hole and we started there.

It didn't take long for him to warm up to the idea of getting dirty.  In fact, the pure joy that radiated on his face as we splashed, and played in the mud was absolutely priceless. 

You see, Jay doesn't care if I am big our little.  He doesn't care if I have a double chin or a big butt.  He doesn't care what size I am in, or what the numbers on the scale are.  Jay loves and lives for the moment.  Jay honestly embraces the now.  He loves unconditionally and honestly.  Jay is an angel on earth and has taught me so much, simply by being him. 

At the end of the day, the joy won out over the disappointment.  I could have let a lot of things get me down, but when you see you have so much to be grateful for, it just isn't worth it.

I have a part two coming up, (if I can find the right words to express what and how I want to say it). 

What are your thoughts about finding joy?
Lori

What do the numbers say to you?

I've been thinking
and crying
and obsessing......

It's what I do.............

I never wanted this blog to be negative.  I want it to always inspire and uplift others.  I want you all to find the joy and happiness in this life.  I want to believe that we are all sitting around petting bunnies in a field of wild flowers, with a gentle breeze singing Coom-ba-ya.......  and then it hit me, that's not the real world, at least not the world I live in.

I haven't been feeling the joy and happiness.  So I didn't blog.  I didn't want to come across as negative ( I still don't) but a friend helped me to see that what you all want from me is the gut renching truth about how hard and emotional weight loss can be.  I've struggled this month.  So this post today is an honest heartfelt emotional vomit.  Hang on, I'm just going to be honest.

This month started out GREAT, but let me go back just a bit!  I started working with a personal trainer in May, (let's call him Gunther).  During the two weeks we worked together in May, I lost 10 lbs plus 4 inches from  my torso.  I was ecstatic!  I felt that I had finally found the way to make this weight fly off of my body.  Gunther was so proud of me and I was proud of myself.  He has never trained anyone who has last that many inches and pounds in that short of time.  He boldly announced to me that our goal for June was for me to lose 30 lbs, because if I could do 10 in 2 weeks, if we pushed hard, 30lbs ,  or at least 25lbs was completely possible.  GULP!!!  That's a lot, but I was determined to do it!  I wanted desperately to make him proud.  He is one of the only people who truly sees how hard I am working at this, and to disappoint him, simply wasn't an option.

I worked harder this month that I ever have.  I have had many days that I have been so sore.  I would put in at least 2 hours a day at the gym.  I did classes 5 days a week, several times 2 classes in a day  depending on what was available then an hour of cardio (treadmill running or walking, elliptical, or bike).  2 - 3 hours at the gym 5 days a week.  I kept telling myself that I was going to get to the end of the month and know that I couldn't have done more.  I was DETERMINED!!!!

So I was working hard.
I felt strong.
I felt good......

..until I realized that the numbers on the scale weren't coming down like I would have liked.

I worked harder.

People kept telling me I looked great (including complete strangers that had "seen me around").  I always do my best to smile and say thanks, but in my head I could not wrap my head around why anyone would even begin to think I looked ok, let a lone great?  I hated the way my body looked and I hated the numbers that would mock me from my scale.   I was a mess.  I had people who look to me to inspire them, yet when I was working my hardest, I was failing.  How could I share my failure with the entire world?

Then it happened.......  The dance of the Baked Potato. 

My own silly, tip-toe ballerina-esque, twirly, goofy interpretive dance about a baked potato made to make the young Women from church laugh.  It never disappoints.  This was no exception, and so I ended with a flourish and the splits!!!!

AND I TORE MY HAMSTRING!!!!

I have not had pain like that since um....childbirth.  It was excruciating!  I didn't want the girls or leaders to know, so I sucked it up and walked home like normal, willing it to not be that bad and be better by morning.
It didn't happen.
For the last two weeks of my 30lbs weight loss month, I had to modify my workouts and rest my hamstring.  
I couldn't do most of my beloved classes, or only do them half-assed.  I hated it.  I knew that as soon as I stopped moving the pounds would come right back.  I found myself on the bike, the only cardio I could do that didn't hurt my hamstring.

The numbers mocked me even more.  They didn't budge.....  Oh wait, they did, what little I had lost went away and the numbers went up. I was mortified.

Today was weigh and measure day.  Going in, I knew without a doubt that I worked as hard as I possibly could.  I could not have given more, and what ever the results were, they were a direct result of my hard work.

Gunther weighed me first.....but I already knew what the result was going to be.  I had a heavy heart.
200lbs.  I had lost NOTHING.  ZERO. 

I was seriously disappointed in myself.  I was ashamed.  I second guessed and thought maybe there was more I could have done.....

He made me hold this star-trek like tool that checks body fat.  I asked Scotty to please have beamed up some fat..........

I lost 2% body fat, this month.  I guess that's not bad.  It is after all the fat I want gone.

Gunther measured me.  Holding my breath and making him do it twice to be sure.....  I lost 1/2 inch from my arms, 1 inch from my legs, 1 1/2 inches from my torso, and this can't be right..... 4 inches from my hips.   7 inches total.  He was shocked!  He has never seen anyone lose that many inches from the hips in a month.  He reminded me that I have gained a lot of muscle.  I had been using heavier weights and they are dense.  He giggled like a school boy and announces that this next month is going to be so fun.......  CRAP!

Why were the numbers so important?  As long as I am getting stronger and smaller, shouldn't it be fine.  Why do I care so much what the weight number is?  Stupid answer.....it's what they put on your drivers license.  It's the number we as a society have come to accept as what is good and what is bad.
I recently read in Bob Harpers new book, that one of the hardest things for people losing weight to understand is that there is no finish line.  That hit me hard.  I thought long and hard about what it is going to take for me to be happy.  What do I have to do to feel successful?  I want to be happy and I want to love my body.  It just isn't happening today, but I am much clearer about what I have to do to get there.  It has to start today with letting go of the number, embracing the many people who love and support me, and maybe another race sign up, just to make sure that I have a reason to keep going.

I want to express my heartfelt gratitude to all of you who have stood beside me during this journey.  It's been a bumpy ride, but then again.... those are the best!
Lori

"It looks like 2 honey baked hams in a walmart sack..."

Let me clue you in, before you start "moving", make sure you have the right kind of clothing.  Unfortunately, no one shared this gem of info with me.  The first time I went out "running" with my friend Terra, was a wardrobe disaster. 
I didn't own workout clothes. 
I didn't have a pair of shorts.
I didn't own a sports bra.
I had worn out shoes.
So besides being 273 lbs and completely out of shape, I was not dressed for the task at hand.  However, I was determined to get ready to run the dirty dash, and I wanted to honor my dreams that had been screaming at me to run, so here I was, excited to get going, but so unprepared.

We met in the evening, just Terra and I.  I wore a pair of my husbands shorts, that were a bit to big for me, a regular bra, and my worn out shoes.  We began with a walk, then ran super short distances (like the length of a block), with me huffing and puffing along.  As soon as we started running, my shorts started to fall off, my boobs were bouncing out of my bra, but  I continued on with one hand holding my shorts up and the other holding my boobs down.  I WAS A SIGHT!  I giggle about it now, but it is a bit humiliating to think that people saw me looking like that.  We did close to 2 miles that first day.  Terra kept telling me not to "bounce" so much.  It had been so long since I had run, I didn't know how to do it! 

This horrific experience didn't stop me.  I went right out and got me a new, super duty strength sports bra (at least the best that Walmart sold).  They weren't sold in the size I needed, but I got the biggest I could, did a couple of test bounces in the dressing room, and deemed it better than what I had and good enough for now, besides, I was going to lose weight and then it would fit better.....  I also invested in a new pair of cheap athletic shoes, and a to small but better than nothing pair of tight yoga pants.  I was so excited (and a lot delusional), but more appropriately prepared for my newest hobby.  I was so excited, that I put on my new sports bra and nacho Libra stretchy yoga pants and modeled for my sweet husband.  I pranced down the stairs, all excited and exclaim "What do you think?"  feeling in my delusional state that I was the bom digity.......  There was a long pause, as he searched for the right words.  "Uh....well"  he said with a smile on his face, "It looks like two honey baked hams, stuffed in a Walmart sack, and I'm not sure it's going to hold."  Really?  Ok, that was funny, and I laughed, and the truth, that was a pretty accurate statement.

So ask yourself, where ever you are on your journey, could it be any worse than that?  I hope you got a giggle out of this post, and can see that it only gets better.   Happy "moving", what ever form you choose....
Lori

Choose to get moving

I was sitting on the side lines....of my life.
I was sitting on the side lines .....
-watching others do fun things I wish I could do.
-watching others play with their kids.
-feeling sorry for myself.
-hating what I had become.

And nothing changed, until I chose to get up and move.  I decided that I was done watching my life pass me by.  I was done being a spectator and chose to become a participant.  I wasn't sure how to start, I just know I HAD to.  Although I had never run before, I decided I wanted to run the Dirty Dash.  I had to get ready and that meant I needed to get moving.  Little by little, I choose to move, day after day.  I was slow, but I WAS moving and I was making choices about what I ate, and slowly the weight began to drop off.

Here are a couple of thinking points on exercise...

-Do you make excuses about not having enough time to exercise?

This is a valid issue that most of us have to deal with.  We all live busy lives and wear many hats.  I found myself in the same situation, but I felt it was a priority to make time every day to exercise.  More than once, I found myself out running at 11pm, because I didn't want to end my day without exercising.  Once I even went out about 11:30pm, in the dark and rain.  It was one of the most memorable runs.  Are you serious about losing weight?  Then you must find the time and must make yourself a priority.

-Do you feel like your weight keeps you from joining a gym?

 I did.  There was no way that a year ago I would have stepped foot the gym.  Even today after loosing 74 pounds, I am very self conscious when ever I am at the gym.  The good news is that you don't have to be a gym member to lose weight.  There are so many ways that you can get moving without requiring you to step in a gym.  I had lost over 40 pounds on my own before I joined a gym.  So what can you do?  I ran, walked, lifted weights with a neighbor, followed workout videos, played the Wii.  Other options include riding a bike, jump rope, skip, dance, or run stairs at a local high school.  It doesn't matter what it is, just start moving.

-Do you wonder where to begin?

I wasn't sure where to start either.  Look for someone who is close to you and ask to workout with them.  Luckily, I had a friend who loved to run and she was willing to work with me.  It was painfully slow in the beginning, but she stuck with me.  We live in a world full of workout resources.  Find a video and get started.  For sure, the weight won't come off if you don't move your body.

I used to drive around and around until I could get the closest parking spot at the store.  At one store in particular, I had a favorite parking spot right up front.  Now, I park as far out as I can. As often as I can, I leave my cart in the store when I am done shopping and carry the bags out to the car.  It may not be a huge workout, but is defiantly a starting place. This is an easy way to get moving.  Remember, it is about making choices to move every chance you get.

You can do it!  Make a promise to yourself that even if it is something small, you will make the choice to move your body a little more.

Lori

Losing weight, it's a simple equation

Losing weight is a simple equation.  Burn more calories than you take in.  Simple, right?

Wrong, if weight loss were a simple thing we would not be living in a world where there are so many fad diets, numerous weight loss pills and products, and a society filled with unhappy over weight people.

There is a secret, I found it, and I'll share it with you.  One word......CHOICE!

When you take that simple equation and add choice to it, it becomes a very powerful tool to fight your fat, to take control, to free yourself.  In our society, food is not something we thnk about much, with all the things we juggle today, who has time.  We need to make time and be much more conscious of our choices.  When you take the power back into your own hands and start to make wise choices along with your calories in and out, you have to power to make change.  There are 2 part to using Choice with weight loss, they are Food Choice and the Choice to Move.....  I am going to talk about food choice today and the choice to move tomorrow.

Food Choice-
For years my relationship with food was unhealthy, to say the least. Now I realize that every day we have many opportunities to chose what we put in our body.  I hope this can give you a starting point to beginning to understand what your relationship with food is.  Here are some thinking points.  Many things I never thought before I began my journey.

- Do you choose food that fuels your body or do you simple eat as therapy, mindlessly stuffing what ever you can in your mouth? 

I used to stuff my face.  I never thought about my food choice.  Today I try to make the best food choices.  I understand that food is fuel, not therapy.  By feeding my body the best foods available, I am keeping my systems running smooth and healthy.  Having said that, I have not given up an occasional treat.  Once in a while, if I want to have a cookie, or candy bar, I do, but with an understanding.  I asked myself this question, "If I eat this, am I willing to work it off?"  Sometimes they answer is YES!!!,  often, if is nope, just not worth it.  Begin today to become accountable to your self for the food choices you are making.  At the very least, take a second and think before you put something in your mouth.  Remember, you have a choice!

-Do you choose food that is less expensive, pre packaged, and full of preservatives or do you choose food that is natural, fresh and healthy. 

Eating healthy is a bit more expensive.  However, if you look at the health benefits over time, how much is living a healthy life worth?  Is it worth it to eat crappy food with little nutrition value just to save pennies?  Isn't being healthy so you can be around for your family for a long time, a much better and priceless option?  I try to always have fresh fruits and vegetables on hand so make a healthy choice is easy.

-Do you look at the food labels when you grocery shop?
 
I never did before, but I do now.  I may not have a perfect understanding of the label, but things I look for are whole grains, that sugar is NOT the first or second ingredient, words that I can't pronounce (not gonna put that in my body), Calories, fat, protein, and sugar, etc.  Based on what I learn from the food label, I make an informed decision if it is an item I want to buy.  I encourage you to start to become familiar with the items you are bringing into your home to fuel you and your family.

-Do you use the excuse that you have no time to cook, and instead go though the drive thru? 

I'm not going to lie, I have always love fast food.  I still do, but I feel that difference between than and now, is I am able to make better choices.  Some of my favorite fast food choices today are Wendy's salads, 6 in. Subway sandwich with lots of spinach and veggies, no cheese or mayo on whole wheat bread, and Arctic Circle's Turkey Burger.  I have  not given up the fast food, I just try to be wise about my choices when I go that route.  Most restaurants have nutrition information available upon request.  I have stood in line looking over the nutrition information, while people are behind me waiting.  It is my body, I want to be informed about what I am putting in it.  Sorry if you have to wait for a bit while I educate myself. 

The benefit to cooking at home, you know exactly what is in your meal.  Having a meal at home with your family gives you a chance to sit together.  This is simply a priceless benefit.

-Are you tracking the food you eat through the day?

I was resistant to tracking my food, but finally gave in.  Today I track what, how much and what time, I eat and drink.  If you have never tracked your food, I would suggest you give it a try.  You might be surprised by how many calories you are putting in your body every day.  Also I want to know how many calories I am putting in my body so I know how many I need to be burning.  Remember weight loss is burn more calories that you take in.
Some of my favorite food tracking sites are myfitnesspal.com, fitbit.com and spark people.

-Are you a soda drinker and can't give it up?

I was.  I would drink two 44oz Pepsi's a day.  I knew that diet soda had less calories and sugar, but to me it was plain NASTY.  I always said, "If I have to give up soda, I refuse to drink diet, I would rather just drink water."  When I started to make the choice NOT to drink soda, and to drink more water, my weight changed too.  I have not had soda for months.  I was a die hard addict, and I can say honestly now, that I don't miss it, and when I have tried it, I don't like the way it tastes.  For so long soda controlled me.  I used to believe that I needed the caffeine to function.  The truth is, I am now in control, I make the choice to hydrate my body (only water can do that), the only thing controlling me, is me.  I have the power to choose to change and over come a bad habit.  If you aren't there yet, begin to think about changing.  You will be able to make the choices to change only when YOU are ready.  Today I like to drink between 100-120oz of water a day.

-How are your portions when you eat?

Do you pay attention to serving sizes on labels and your portion sizes?  Companies like to trick you on the food label to make a food look not as bad, but putting an infant sized portion as the serving size.   This is also why it is important to read the labels on the foods you eat.  Don't be afraid to have a measuring cup at the dinner table with you.  Don't guess, be in control.


Thanks so much for stopping by today.  I hope that this has sparked you to be a little bit more conscious of the power your choices have.  Tomorrow, I will share a post about your choice to move.  But for today, did I miss any key questions or points with the food choice?  I would love to know what you think.

Lori-