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| March 2011. About a month before I began my journey. |
A year ago, I decided I was going to run. WHAT??? Fat girls don't run!
I have always hated running. I haven't run since I was FORCED to run in High School. But one day I just decided I was going to.
So many have asked me, "What was your Ah-ha moment? What made you change?"
The answer, a perfect storm of circumstances, and I was just ready.
I have hated my body for the better part of, oh lets see...... all my life. Even though in High School, I was thin, and dare I say it, maybe even cute-ish, I was always unhappy about something. But it wasn't just my body I hated, it was all of me. I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. I felt ugly, unworthy of love, that no one liked me, stupid, lonely, like a failure,...... I could go on. The depression got worse when I was raped. I was a Sr. in High school, about a month from graduation. I learned that day that I was only good to a man for my body. I didn't realize it then, but that is when my mind set about my body really began to change. The depression has been so bad at times, that I have been unable to function, or if I did function, it was simply on autopilot, and minimal at that. I would sleep for 16 hours a day, not shower for days, eat a lot.... It was a bad cycle. I know I am not alone in this. Depression sucks! I still deal with it, but I no longer let it control me, (well most of the time I don't). So the first part of my ah-ha was that I didn't want to keep hating myself, I knew that I had to take action. I kinda wanted to, but wasn't sure where to begin.
The second thing....... A stupid pair of pants. I had this pair of pants that the zipper part bulged when I put them on. At first, I tried to ignore it. But the truth is, that I was ashamed of myself. I thought, what do people think of me when they see that? I was sure nothing good. I knew what I thought of me. I wasn't willing to go up a size. I wanted to change, not sure how or where to begin.
The third thing was the constant dreams I was having. I dreamed almost nightly about running. Not the trying-to-get-away-from-the-bad-guys running, but running in slow motion, with your hair playfully bouncing, a smile - almost a giggle, next to a field of wild flowers with a gentle breeze softly blowing through it. (It reminded me of a tampon commercial.) I was running in my sleep and HAPPY about, enjoying it! Was it possible?
I dreamed like this for close to 2 months. Then a brilliant thing happened. My friend Tomi posted about The Dirty Dash..........That's what I needed, exercise that was fun.
I didn't take any before photos.
I didn't know that I would be here a year later, down 73 pounds.
I just knew that I wanted change.
I didn't know how hard it would be.
I knew I deserved and wanted to be happy.
I didn't know how hard I would fight to lose a single pound.
I didn't know that I had what it takes to stick with it.
I didn't know that people would start telling me I inspired them.
I didn't know who I was.......
This year has been a year of growth and discovery, along with the weight the loss.
I grew up.
I am beginning to know who I am and what strength lies inside me.
I like who I am becoming.
I know my journey isn't done.
I know I want to help others.
So what got me started was a pair of pants, wanting a change and a chance to get dirty and have fun.
What keeps me going, is knowing that I am becoming a better me every day, and tomorrow is a new chance to learn, grow, test myself......to become.
I did it......and I know the strength to do it lies within each of us. What lies within you? Today is the day to find out!
How do you feel about yourself?
What are you willing to do to make yourself happy?
Are there "things" you are holding on to?
What small change are you willing to make today?
